Hiding Away [closed/Haven]

[tam]

Stylized curtains of deep rich colours swam in the vision of the young man perched on a soft cot. Everywhere his eyes travelled he could see a little bit more of the world he’d grown up in. The bit of steal and metal that peeked out from around the brilliant fabric, reminding him that it wasn’t just a room in a house, but the stern walls of a shuttle, that was attached to a large boat. Still it was home. It had been all his life. Now there was something missing. There was an emptiness to the air that had never existed before in Tristan Tam’s life. His dark brown eyes seemed dull and lifeless at the moment. Memories drowned his mind and eyes. Every part of his home was infused with the presence of his twin, his sister who was just about ready to leave his side forever.

Maybe it wasn’t forever, but part of Tristan truly believed it was. How could it not be? She was going to be on a different ship. A ship they hardly ever got around to visiting with unless a job needed doing. How many of those would there truly be? Not enough that was for certain. Tristan leaned his head back against the wall, his eyes stinging from unwanted moisture. Was this how he was going to spend the last day with her? Sitting in his room, refusing to leave, refusing to even say goodbye? How cowardly was that? He was a coward. Right there and then he was. If he never left the room would he have to say goodbye? If he just avoided her would she not leave until she found him and wished him a good life? Or would she leave anyway without saying good bye, without him even knowing how she truly felt about leaving them all behind.

Anger bubbled up through the despair at that point. Tristan was cool tempered and reasonable on most days, but anger brought him strength to fight against the tears. She was leaving everyone. Her whole family was here. He was here. They were best mates and siblings, twins! How could she just run off without him? How could she just disregard twenty-three years of friendship just to make a name for herself? Was she trying to get away from him? Him and his freaky abilities? Was that why she was really leaving? How could he not have known that, seen it? It was a terrifying thought even now and it frightened him how quickly his anger dissolved back into despair. What kind of life was this? Hiding away so that he didn’t have to face her, just in case his deep despairing thoughts couldn’t be confirmed?

Tristan pushed himself up from the bed, his feet setting down on the cool thin rug that circled round his room. His toes dug into the fabric, grounding him and his thoughts for a moment. Trousers hugged his form and a red shirt pulled tight against his slim form. His hair was a cacophony of strands, standing all over the place, dishevelling his appearance even more than normal. It was clear that since Haven had made her announcement he had taken to hiding away from everyone, even the engine room hadn’t held his interest for more than a moment or two. His parents were worried he was certain, but that didn’t matter to him, not when there was so much on his mind. His hand ran over his face harshly, before reaching out to grab the cup of tea that he’d managed to take from the galley without being crossed by passengers or crew. He honestly didn’t know what he would have done had he been stopped by any of them.

A soft reproachful laugh came from his throat at the thought and Tristan felt his lips pull up in an almost manic grin. He was going mad wasn’t he, just sitting in his shuttle, hiding from his sister and everyone else that he cared for, rejoicing when he could sneak to the galley and back without getting caught. To them it would seem he hadn’t left his shuttle in a day, but he knew in his mind that he had. It was almost exhilarating in a way. Sneaking about. But then the reason why he was sneaking about wiped the grin from his face and brought a deep disparaging sigh from his lungs. It wouldn’t be long before his sister grew irrational and came storming through the doors of the shuttle. He could almost hear her footsteps now. ‘Wait…those are footsteps.’ he said to himself as his eyes jumped up to the curtain that hung separating their two rooms, which really was no longer need now that he thought about it.

[Haven Tam]

I 'V E. B E E N. C O L L E C T I N G. Y O U R. W O R D S.

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Haven was hurt. Tomorrow they’d be landing in Persephone and while the captain’s were off getting their job, she would be moving things between the ships. Hopefully her brother would be helping her out. That’s if he would speak to her or anyone else. Each day of the last five she had spent with everyone. She spent one on one time with Jayne first, then down with Mal and Inara followed by her Aunt River. Time as a group was thrown in there along with bugging the two passengers. One was a lot of fun and the other was either cooking or hiding away. An odd one. The last couple days had been spent a lot with her parents; Tristan was supposed to be with them as well but he hadn’t left the shuttle. Whenever she went in there he wasn’t there or “asleep”. She wondered if he really was or not. Haven wasn’t sure why he was acting this way. He had known for over a month that she would be leaving at some point.

This is why she was hurt. They were brother and sister, he should understand where she was coming from. Or hoped at least. Sitting in the common room she tried to think of what else it was that would cause him to act like this. They hadn’t had any other spats about anything. She teased him about being a goof around Arabella but that was about it. She was always teasing him about his lack of a love life. She did understand why he never flirted with any girl with his ability. It had been odd figuring it out, and many of the family was slightly afraid if Alliance found out. After all he was born with some sort pf psychic abilities. It’d be River 2.0 to them. But they were all just careful around him. When he encountered someone and saw bits of their past it often hit him different ways depending on what he saw. Haven had been able to help calm him before if he got really weird about something. She’d even draw him out of the engine room when he hid away from everyone.

So why was he being so withdrawn? Haven had always been there for him in their life. Sure she had caused some troubles and he defended her. But now she needed him to support her most and spend time with him. Her day had been a hectic one hiding little notes for everyone in places they commonly hung around. Some captures of sentiments for her family were recorded on each of their palm devices that connected them to the Cortex and held other important things. They’d find them fiddling around. Trinkets that she kept were given away as she ran around snapping more pictures. Haven had hoped to do many of these things with him, but again to the hiding part. IT caused her to tear up; lately she had done that a lot but this hurt just a bit more. Watching her dad in the infirmary a moment longer she finally pushed away and walked through the corridors.

Standing outside their shuttle, tonight would be the last one she spent on this ship. She didn’t want it spent in complete silence and worry that things would never be the same. In some ways it wouldn’t be but they were family. Haven wasn’t going to just forget about her family and never speak again. Pulling at the handle into their space, Haven entered her space first. Everything was packed away. One box remained open as the last of the clothing from today and sleep clothes would be thrown in along with her bedding. Everything else was closed up and ready to just be carried on over. A few favorite reads were in her boxes but the rest was left behind. For her family and passengers to use. Eventually they’d end up in a trunk in the galley or common area. For now they littered the area. Walking around them, she pulled aside the curtain. watching Tristan, she sighed. Why did he have to be such a git? Plopping on the bed, she bowed her head.

”Ya gunna stop hidin’? I’d like to spend time with ya’ before I leave. I have to get after your bony but about that new girl. Mal’s taken a likin’ to her cooking so she may stretch her visit. You have to give me juicy details as we write.” Haven was trying to hide her irritation and hurt for the time being. Things will come out in due time.

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tagged;; tristan
word count;; erm no idea
outfit;; obsessed with green
notes;; twin love is <3
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[tam]

For a moment Tristan thought he was safe from his sister. He could hear her on the other side of the curtain and he slowly sat down his cup of tea, wincing at the slight ting it made on the stand. He really was a coward. But there was no use in hiding anymore as the curtain was drawn and Haven peered in at him. For a moment he just stared back at her, his eyes almost taking on a trapped animal look. He was trapped now. Haven stood between him and the only exit on the shuttle. The breath he didn’t realize he was holding burned his lungs for a moment and then he sighed, at the same time his sister did. Really the twin connection was more than a little bizarre.

A few seconds later the bed jumped as his sister plonked down beside him. Tristan felt the shame rise to his cheeks at her words. There was a lightness to the words, but he could feel her irritation, it was swimming off of her in droves. He ran a hand through his hair, fluffing it up even more than it already was. Here he was hiding from Haven and all she was saying about it was that she wanted to spend time with him. The conversation was nonsense really. She wanted to talk about that Bella girl and have him talk about her. What was there to say? She was intriguing. That was it. Nothing more to it. There was just something interesting about her to him, something she was hiding, or the look that had crossed her face at times when he was trying to get her to travel with them. He sighed again after a moment or two of silence.

‘You know I hate small talk,’ he said quietly. His eyes moved around the room before resting briefly on his sister. ‘I didn’t think you’d actually leave. I thought this was just some fantasy you would eventually get over. Now you’re here. Packing your stuff, saying goodbye, and leaving the rest of us behind like we’re nothing more than the planetside buhn dahn [morons].’ The anger had returned now and Tristan stood, moving away from his sister. His whole body seemed to be shaking from the anger and he was pacing. It definitely appeared like he was going mad. He pulled at his hair with his hands, raking them through the strands until his hair was standing completely on end. ‘We need you here! Don’t you see that? Ni ta ma de! I can’t just accept this Haven. I can’t. It was you and me against the world! Don’t you remember? Now you’re leaving me. What am I supposed to do huh? You sort me out when…when, oh you know when. I’m just supposed to send you a wave now? Say “hey guess what? Someone touched me today and now I can’t get their past out of my head”? I can’t do it. I get it you need to make your own path, but you could have asked me to go with you? Or told me when you first started having these feelings! We could have struck out together.

‘Juh shi suh mo go dohng shee? Just showing up a month ago saying “hey I’m going to leave and join another crew. See ya.” Wong ba duhn!’ Tristan had lost his cool by now. His hand picked up the nearest object, which in this case was the tea cup, and hurtled it into the wall of the shuttle. His hands pressed to his head for a moment as pain seemed to ripple through his brain. The anger was pulsing in the back of his head and he couldn’t control it any more than he could control his mind when he touched someone.

[Haven Tam]

I 'V E. B E E N. C O L L E C T I N G. Y O U R. W O R D S.

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Haven should've figured this conversation wouldn't go too well. He hadn't made himself visible for the last few days. She could only figure that his thoughts had just been sitting and brewing. "Well how else are we going to talk if you're clammed up." Plus she could only tease him for so long. Not like she believed anything might actually happen but she wanted to enjoy the moment. When he finally started in on her, Haven could only look to the floor. Why hadn't he said this much to her before now? Like whenever she came to talk to him about things... "I'm not just leavin’ you guys behind! It's not like I'll never come back or we won't see each other. Lao Tyen yeh!" Why was everyone acting like she was some bad person who would forget her family? This bunch wad an interesting and great one. Like Malcolm says, once you've been to Serenity you never leave. Tears of hurt and anger mixed together. She wasn't one to cry very often but when she did it was for a very good reason. Her hands clenched at the blankets on Tristan's bed as he lashed out at her even more. She knew she had this coming eventually but wasn't prepared for this much of a rant. Haven had thought her brother understood. Apparently she had been wrong...

Haven launched upwards so they were at least on level playing ground. She tried not to raise her voice but it was hard. When the tears came, it just made her even angrier. "You guys don't need me! I'm just wasted space following daddy around hoping he lets her cut! I am needed on the Steamhardt doing the work I love to do. Unlike your's and ma's job, you two are always busy. I'm not." She knew exactly what it meant leaving home-no matter late night chats together, she couldn't just rush to his side when he needed and no more family meals. Tristan didn't need to remind her to make the guilt even worse. When he used the words 'leavin me' she softened a small bit. Letting out a sigh, she stepped forward to clasp his shoulders. "Is that what you think? That I'm just leaving you? It's not true." Haven shook her head. Maybe she had this all wrong the whole time. "But Tristan it's still me and you against the verse. That's not gonna change. We can still write and wave. It's not ideal but eventually we can make it work." Sighing she dropped her hands. She knew she was in the wrong for not asking him to come. Haven was being selfish, thinking she had to go off on her own. "I just didn't think to ask. They already have a mechanic so I didn't think you'd want to come."

Haven threw up her hands. "I did come to you when I first felt that way. You know when I decide something there's no just thinking about things with me! I decided and that was it." Why were they even arguing on her last night here? They should just be talking or laughing-not this. Sometimes her brother could be a right, straight git. As the teacup flew by Haven exclaimed, "Juh shi suh mo go dohng shee?! He had never really acted like this around her. Tristan needed to grow up to her, learn to try an handle his issues on her own. Her being gone may help. "Stop it right now! If you want to go then pack up! No one's stopping ya sorry CHINESE and I'm sure cap'n will let you on. If not just shut up and deal. Nothing's gonna keep me here. And you make not like it but it's my decision and what I want. Stop being a pi gu and actually be supportive! I never planned on staying here forever. If I hadn't been this job then finally finding a guy and leaving. Serenity may be home but it's not going to be forever. I can guarantee it won't be for you either." No one knew what fate had in store. It could keep Tristan on Serenity forever or send him planetside. Even if other's didn't have to same religious beliefs, she knew God always had a hand in things

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tagged;; tristan
word count;; erm no idea
outfit;; obsessed with green
notes;; twin love is <3
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[tam]

Tristan rubbed his neck hard. He didn’t want to have this conversation not now…not ever. Clammed up? He wasn’t clammed up. He just didn’t want to deal. How could he? Just because he wanted to hide away from everything, didn’t mean anything. She was so certain they’d see each other again, but Tristan wasn’t so sure. Fate had a way of pulling people apart. This could very well be the last time he ever saw Haven again and then what? What would he do with his life? Just go on like normal? Pretend he didn’t have a sister? She didn’t understand that. He didn’t want to keep her here if she wanted to go, he just wanted to have the option to go with her, but he didn’t. He would be of no use on the Steamhardt. He knew that, she knew that. Everyone knew that. He was a mechanic, a great mechanic, because his mother had been. But he was lousy with people. The only people that understood him were here…on this boat. It was his home.

Now she was crying. Tristan bit his tongue. He wanted to apologize suddenly, because the tears in his sister’s eyes were caused by him. She was standing now, the look on her eyes made Tristan feel about three inches tall. She was wrong…so wrong. They did need her. He needed her. Was his need not good enough? Was he really being that selfish? Forcing his sister to pick him over everyone else? The guilt tasted bitter in his mouth. Tristan felt the pulsing in his head crescendo. A white hot fire seemed to spread through him, molten liquid coursed through his veins. He was angry, but not at Haven. He was angry at himself. How daft could he be? He wanted to argue with her, say something to make her just hate him all the more. If she hated him, then maybe the abandonment he felt would be more realistic. Instead he just looked like a git.

“It’s so easy for you,” Tristan finally said after Haven finished. He hadn’t said one word while she ranted. Mostly because he feared he would seem even more like an idiot. He didn’t want Haven to hate him…not really. He just wanted her to understand and she did usually. She didn’t understand now. She had no clue what was going through his mind. And that was what worried him. Or maybe he was just worried because he truly didn’t think she would leave. To misjudge his twin so heinously made him wonder if he ever knew her at all. “I can’t leave here. I can never leave here. These people here. They understand me. They’re my family. You think someday I’ll find a home somewhere else? I know the people here better than I want to. I’ve seen and experienced things that have kept me awake at night. You know that. But I’ve learned to deal with their pasts. You think I can just leave, join another crew somewhere else? That’s not going to happen. It’ll kill me. They won’t understand me. Hell I’d probably be turned in to the first Alliance cruiser. End up in the same place Aunt River did. That’s my life Haven. I’m not needed here. Our mother is capable of dealing with the engine, far better than I am at it. So you’re not the only one that feels useless here, but you were never useless to me. You kept me sane.”

Tristan had calmed by the end of his words. There was nothing else to say. He didn’t know if Haven would understand. Part of him didn’t care if she did. She was running away from him. Even if she didn’t admit it a loud, she was. She was running away from her family because she needed a change of pace. She wanted to take her own path, make her own choices. Tristan understood that. But he always understood that she was running away from him and his curse. He should have realised sooner just how much strength it took to talk him down after he touched someone. He wore her down, he knew that now. She was drained. She needed out. It was his fault she was leaving. Well, that was never going to happen again. He wasn’t going to lean on anyone else. That was a promise.

[Haven Tam]

I 'V E. B E E N. C O L L E C T I N G. Y O U R. W O R D S.

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While the Tam twins often fought, this was one Haven didn’t know how to steer through. Most of them were completely petty and often because they were in too small of a space together. This was because too much space would be put between them. Space that may not allow a wave to travel very easily. And letters would be pains unless they each got to a space station. But Haven would try her best to stay in contact with everyone. She couldn’t just forget about her family or Serenity. It was the place where her heart was and that had shaped her. Journals would be how she would start to get over the hard feelings of missing everyone. How everyone here got over it she wasn’t sure. haven had no idea what people were thinking in their minds. Jayne probably could move past it pretty quickly. He had the emotional spectrum of an Earth-that-was mosquito. Just looking to suck what they needed to then go about living flying about. Malcolm might shut down a bit similar to when Inara left before the twin’s were born. Outside of those two men she had no guess how everyone else would react.

Haven’s face fell a little in confusion and pity. it was sad that her brother thought he could never leave here. leaving here might actually help him. It just took someone else who understood to help him. If he came with her then maybe she could help him learn to control his readings more. Tristan hid himself away, not wanting to make new connections. ”It’s not easy for me. It sucks having to leave here because this is my home too. But I want to be able to experience new things as well!” Everything Haven said would just sound wrong no matter how it came out. Pacing in a small spot, her fingers clasped at the edges of her sweater, twisting them around. He was making her feel bad enough to where she was actually thinking of staying. But she knew if she stayed, Haven would be miserable for not seizing a good opportunity when it was in front of her. Her brows knit together in thought. Why must being an adult be so confusing?

The way he acted like he had no options bugged her at times. Maybe it was being siblings and just little things got on another nerves at times. Or it was all the tension with the things that were to unfold in the next few days. ”Oh shut up! It may seem impossible to leave right now but I think you could do it someday. maybe not a ship but you could go planet side. Find a quiet place to settle down and do mechanic work with barely anyone coming round. There are options. You just won’t see them because you think you have none.” Her brother always hid away in the engine room or the shuttle. It’s why she was a little pushy anytime a cute girl came on as a passenger over the years or an interesting guy who could become a friend. But nope, he always ran away. Running away never helped ones problems. That she knew to be true. When their father and aunt first started running it just caused more issues. Now no one was really hunting them down so they sailed a bit easier. Not completely smooth but more jobs were up for grabs now because they didn’t have to avoid the core.

Softening slightly, her shoulders went form tense to very much relaxed. ”No one has to know everything. You make it seem like if you were to go you’d have to have someone to anchor you down. You know I’ve always been here for you but you also have to know how to take care of yourself. How to calm yourself down. It’s sucky me leaving is how it has to happen but you also have to get over hiding behind the family.” Haven’s words may be wrong and be frustrated. She didn’t have any anger about his abilities as she loved to be there for him and help out. But as stated before she wouldn’t be around forever. She wanted Tristan to be able to go about things on his own. Even if she wasn’t tactful going about helping him, all she wanted was the best for her brother.

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tagged;; tristan!
word count;; erm no idea
outfit;; obsessed with green
notes;; tired
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